Train up a child…

Should We Bribe Children to Behave?

There are times when parents become so desperate to get children to behave that they are tempted to try almost anything…even a bribe! On the way to shopping, a parent may say, “If you behave, I will buy you some candy.” Another time a parent may say, “Sit still and be quiet, and I will let you stay up late tonight.” We could go on and on with examples of bribes that parents may use.

What’s wrong with using a bribe? We need to ask ourselves whether we want a child to behave simply for what is in it for him/her, or if we want the child to behave because that is the right thing to do.

“Virtue is its own reward” is a saying from long past that still applies today. We should want children to do well because it is the right thing to do. If we use bribes, it doesn’t take long for us to run out of things that make a bribe work. The child will start wanting more and more.

I heard of a school that gave pizza to children in kindergarten who did their work. In that same school they were having trouble with older children. Could it have been that pizza was given to those children in kindergartners, and when they got older, they expected more? In that same town at another school, those who did their homework were taken to McDonald’s each Friday. A teacher told me that seldom did that school have a five-day work week because one day each week was used to fulfill the bribe. “If you do your homework, you get to go to McDonalds,” the children were told.

There are times when rewards are in order. Rewards, in my opinion, are different from bribes. Expectations need to be clearly explained to children ahead of time and the child may not even know there is a reward involved. Rewards are given when children achieve or go beyond those expectations. Rewards are given to help a child understand that in real life there is what I call the “Law of Consequences”. The “Law of Consequences” says that good behavior produces good consequences and bad behavior produces bad consequences. It would be a dull world if we never got any rewards, but they should be given carefully. Rewards for little or no effort can cause a child to grow up thinking that nothing needs to be done unless someone is ready to give a reward.

The most effective rewards are those given spontaneously. We need to be constantly observing children for extra good behavior. When we see something that the child does “extra special”, we say something like, “I’m so proud of you. You did that all by yourself without being told. That shows that you are learning to think for yourself and you are choosing the right thing to do.” Then, after giving verbal praise, it is appropriate to talk with the child about a reward.

It is surprising to learn that some studies have shown that adult workers are more satisfied with verbal praise and recognition than with salary raises. An alert parent who constantly rewards a child with recognition for good with verbal praise gets much greater results than those parents who try to bribe their children with candy or trinkets.