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“As the Twig is Bent”

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Train up a child…

 

“As the Twig is Bent”

 

I remember an instructor in our child development class at Missouri University saying, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”.  She went to great lengths to explain that habits that are formed in childhood last a lifetime.  If left unchecked, the inclinations that a child has are reinforced through the years as the child grows. This is true for both good and bad inclinations.  It is the task of the parent to “prune” those inclinations as needed.  The parent needs to reinforce in positive ways the good, and do their best to eliminate the bad habits.

A common saying about children who are displaying problematic behavior is, “Don’t worry. He will grow out of it.”  This may be true as relating to physical changes, but in most behavioral changes, children do not “grow out of it”.  The problems, in most cases, gain strength as the child grows.

There are many examples of children growing worse when problems are left unchecked.  Take, for instance, the child who throws temper tantrums. When parents give in to the child and do not correct this problem, the child grows up believing that he/she can get whatever is wanted by displaying acts of temper.  Another example is the demanding child who does not learn good manners.  That child becomes the adult who “railroads” through anyone or everyone to achieve wants and desires.  Poor eating habits are very difficult to correct in adulthood. Many obese people are those who as children were allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Children who are allowed to act any way they want will not grow up respecting authority. Children who are given everything needed without having to earn anything will not grow up and suddenly say, “Oh, I can do everything for myself”.  These children will always be expecting handouts.

Young people seem to have a feeling of indestructibility.  They tend to think, “I’m different.  That will never happen to me.”  I recently talked to a man who is now an alcoholic.  He said, “I made the same mistake so many other people have made.  I thought it would never happen to me.”  It is our duty, as parents and grandparents, to point out examples to prove that it can happen to anyone.  Ultimately, each person is individually responsible for choices made, but we need to do all we can to influence those choices and help that person grow in the right direction.

My dad used pieces of string to illustrate to my sisters and me how habits get stronger and stronger. He handed us a piece of string and told us to break it.  It was easy.  Then he gave us two pieces of string and told us to break them.  It was harder.  Then he gave us three pieces of string and told us to break them all at the same time. Some of us were able to do it.  By the time he got to four pieces of string, it was not possible to break them all at the same time.  “That is how it is with habits,” he said.  He told us that when you first do something wrong, it is much easier to stop than after you have continued to do it for a time.  We understood that it is best not to form bad habits.

Raising children is somewhat like gardening.  We prune, feed, and water.  We guide and do our best to influence the choices our children make.  When they are little, we can prevent bad choices.  When they grow up, they will choose according to their own individual beliefs.  Other influences in the world compete with the influence of parents.  We simply try our very best and bathe our efforts with lots of prayer.

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

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Train up a child…

 

Unrealistic Expectations of Children Cause Problems

 

When we don’t expect enough of our children, they become lazy and sloppy and undisciplined.  When we expect too much of them, there are other problems that develop.  When children are expected to do more than they can produce, they may rebel, give up hope, or think they are inferior and unpleasing to others.

Only time spent with children and the love we have for them can help us know what they are capable of doing.  It is not easy to balance the expectations we have of children with their ability.  We all have high hopes for our children, but when we force them to become something they are not, it is sad to see them hurt because they cannot please us.

Much of the rebelliousness we see in children is a result of frustration on their part.  “Nobody loves me” is a common feeling that many children express.  When a child does something well, and gets praised for it, then the “blues” seem to instantly go away.

Imagine how we would feel if someone sat us at the controls of a spaceship and told us we had to fly to the moon!  Of course, we would rebel.  We know we can’t do that, so why try?  Children have a similar feeling when they are put in a situation that is beyond their ability.  Where is the logic in thinking a child will succeed in third grade work when that child cannot do first and second grade work?  Many children who are promoted in school, before they have mastered the requirements of their current grade, have the same feeling we would have when we are told we must do a job that we cannot handle.  As the child continues to be promoted on into high school, quite often that child simply gives up trying and starts acting out in rebellious ways.

Have you ever heard a child say, “What’s the use?”  That is a clue that the child is feeling hopelessness.  It is a terrible thing to be without hope. It may even lead to suicide. When our expectations are beyond the reach of our children, they see no point in trying because they know they cannot accomplish what we want of them.  When they can’t feel acceptance by their parents, they really feel badly. Often they give up trying to please their parents in even small ways because they feel the parents will not be pleased no matter what they do.

Children must feel a sense of accomplishment in order to feel a sense of worth.  Not living up to expectations of others results in a feeling of failure that is hard to overcome.  On the other hand, when children feel that they have done a job well, their morale is bolstered, they regain hope, and they feel their efforts are worthwhile.

It is so very important to expect of a child what we are sure can be accomplished, and then to require that child to perform.  Nothing succeeds like success.  Children build on successes, not failures.  All of us want to repeat those things we have done well; none of us want to tackle those things where we have failed before.  To expect more than a child can achieve is to set that child up to fail. The child is likely to give up hope of ever being able to do that thing in the future.

Design Discipline to the Situation

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Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

Bullies Need Help

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Train up a child…

 

Bullies Need Help

 

When a child is bullied, our first impulse is to immediately do something to the bully.  Rightfully so, the bully should be stopped even if it means using physical restraint or a good hard spanking.  But, if we stop there, we have not corrected the real problem. It is somewhat like cutting off the top of a weed when we garden instead of pulling it up from the root.  If we just cut off the top, the weed is sure to grow back.  If we pull it up by the roots, that is the end of the weed.

When we stop the bullying for the moment, we are just cutting the top off of the weed, so to speak. We need to get to the root of the problem by trying to determine the cause of the bullying.  If we do not do this, the desire remains to continue the unacceptable behavior.  If the desire is not stopped, these children become good candidates for future prison inmates, and many more people get bullied down the road.

Since most bullying stems from how children are raised at home, we really cannot depend on the home to change the child unless there is some sort of help for the family.  This means that a great deal of the responsibility falls on the school or church.  This is unfortunate since the school personnel already have their hands full with so many other things that are required of them.  There is a program for intervening with “at-risk” children. It would seem that bullying is certainly an indication of an “at-risk” child. Hats off to our schools for efforts made in this direction. School counselors and other staff have their hands full when it comes to working with children who want to hurt others.

Too often, the child who bullies is ostracized from the rest of society.  This simply makes the child want to bully all the more. These children want to “lash out” at people who, in their eyes, don’t like them. In truth, the bully may be in far more danger than the victim.  Bullies are left with little hope when society turns its back on them while victims are pitied and coddled and encouraged.  Tough love requires that we stand ready to forgive and at the same time stand firm on not accepting bad behavior. Bullies need love as much, or perhaps even more, than those bullied. This is not an easy thing to do, but we must rise up to loving bullies if we are to help them find a better way to relate to people. Loving does not mean acceptance of bad behavior.  We can love a person without liking what a person does. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to do so.  That level of maturity is required to be a good parent or teacher.

Working with bullies may sound like a very complicated job, but it simply comes down to loving all people, being firm, and doing our best to understand the “why” of actions.  Once we understand why a child behaves in the way that child has chosen, we can start to work on the root of the problem. We cannot expect children to act like adults until they are taught to do so.  Of course, we do not want to let our sympathy for a bully be greater than our sympathy for the victim, but we can sympathize with both and try to help both to be able to cope with situations where respect of an individual’s rights have been violated.  By doing so, we are more apt to prevent problems in the future.

 

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

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Train up a child…

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

 

When a child understands why a rule is important, it is much easier for that child to obey the rule. Too often adults are inclined to simply “bark” orders to a child with no explanation whatsoever.  This leaves a child feeling somewhat like a puppet and unimportant.  In addition, the child may simply obey the command for the moment, but have no reason to continue to obey.

Taking just a few seconds to explain reasons to a child has much benefit.  When a teacher or parent explains reasons, the child feels drawn into the decision-making process and feels a part of accomplishing something important.  The child then begins to think in an analytical manner and apply the principals involved to other actions.  The child also begins to consider the feelings of others and the environmental effects.

It would seem that we adults have a tendency to think that children cannot understand a great deal, so we just skip over explanations.  Actually, children are capable of understanding and reasoning much more than we often give them credit for doing.  They are not a different species!  They may not have the experiences to grasp all that we tell them, but they can understand much and the explanations we give start them on the path to adulthood and decision making that involves others as well as self.

If a child understands that a behavior is affecting another person negatively, that same child is more apt to evaluate his/her own action in another situation as to whether it is affecting others in a good or bad way.  This is especially true when adults include in explanations such statements as, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Children tend to act on impulse. Explanations help children learn to think before they act.  This is part of growing up.

When adults take the time to explain reasons, a feeling of teamwork is often established.  Children feel as though the adult considers them important when that adult takes the time to explain reasons.  This takes away some of the rebellious attitude often encountered in forcing a child to obey.  They begin to feel part of a bigger cause than just self. The children take on a feeling of responsibility for accomplishing that cause and are more apt to continue the proper action when away from the adult.

It is good to remember that telling is not teaching.  Unless a child takes something to heart and applies it to everyday actions, that child has not really learned that thing.  Our goal is to develop adults who act properly out of desire to do so, not simply because they have been told they should.  Without explanations, what has been told simply does not stay with the child.  We want adults that consider the feelings of those around them and act in such ways as to get along in society.  We will not accomplish this goal unless children learn reasons for good behavior.

Poetry Holds Value for Children

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Train up a child…

 

Poetry holds Value for Children

 

Sometimes children can take a lesson to heart a little easier when it is in the form of poetry. Poetry also helps children with spelling and reading.  There are many poems available that teach moral lessons as well as helping to improve reading and spelling.

One poet who included moral truths in his writing was Edgar Guest.

His poem, “Myself”, is especially appropriate for upper elementary through high school students.

 

Myself

By Edgar A. Guest

 

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don’t want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.
I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
the kind of person I really am,
I don’t want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men’s respect;
but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don’t want to look at myself and know that
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.

 

This poem is very plain and simple to understand and takes little discussion to drive home the point that children should be very careful of their choices. There may be some vocabulary that needs to be explained such as the word, “sham”.

 

More of Guest’s poems can be found on the Internet.  You can simply research them by his name.

 

Children Need to Learn Accuracy

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Children need to learn Accuracy

 

Have you noticed the frequency of mistakes made in business transactions?  Several folks have mentioned lately how frustrating it is to talk to persons on the phone who represent businesses. It is difficult to get clear answers to questions. Could this be happening because those people were not taught to be accurate when they were children?

If children are not taught to be accurate with their work, they grow up thinking that it is adequate to do just enough to get by.  Not only should they be taught to be accurate with work, but they also need to learn to be accurate in what they say.  Perhaps we adults are just as guilty as the children in this area. That is carrying over as an example to the ones who learn more by example than any other way.

Quite often, in our society, children are rewarded for inferior work.  With good intentions, adults often want everyone to win so no one will feel badly.  This is an unrealistic view of life.  If children think they will be rewarded whether or not they do excellent work, why would they want to strive for perfection?  There was a time in school when children were required to do work over and over until they got it right.  Now, sometimes that is still true, but often it is not.  Many children fill in blanks on papers that have been copied and do not have to write complete sentences.  If a misspelled word is close enough to the correct answer, the child is allowed to get by with it without learning to spell the word.  Many of my GED students made a capital C or S all through a paper.  When I corrected them, they responded, “That’s the way I always make my “C” (or “S”). It is obvious they were allowed to do this in school.  My response is, “You are making it wrong”.

Many times it is difficult to get a child to explain something orally. Quite often a child will say, “You know”, or “Whatever”.  They talk in half sentences expecting the listener to understand the meaning behind the few words spoken.  We shouldn’t let children get by with this.  The children should learn to say what they mean and mean what they say. The way a child talks affects the way that child writes.  Speaking and writing accurately requires clear thinking.  Being a responsible adult also requires clear thinking.

It is so easy for adults to fall into a pattern of getting down to a child’s level instead of bringing a child up to the adult level.  When this happens, we all end up thinking and acting like children.  We need to be trying to help our children become responsible adults who can express themselves accurately and do accurate written work.  Our culture of “If it feels good, do it” needs to go away and a new culture of “Do it right” needs to come to our society.

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Children Need Purpose

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Train up a child…

 

Children Need Purpose

 

Many comments made by children show that they seem to have no purpose in their actions. Such comments as “What’s the use?” or “What difference does it make?” or “Who cares?” are indications that a child sees no real meaning in actions that may be expected of him or her.

The lack of real meaning leads to a lack of hope for a child. This in turn leads to such drastic actions that teenagers take with guns, suicide, or deliberate car accidents. Many of our young people seem to be drifting with no real purpose in their lives.

Many efforts are made by adults to entertain children thinking that if a child gets what it wants, that child will in turn produce according to the parents’ wishes. Without realizing it, parents who do this are actually bribing a child and holding the child hostage to perform as the parent wishes. This is not good. No amount of gifts, material things, or wishes granted can give a child purpose in life.

What really does work for a child is the realization that God created each of us with an individual plan for our life. When a child realizes that there is a unique plan for him/her, the child automatically feels a sense of value and curiosity to identify that plan. The child can then begin to understand that preparation to carry out that plan involves education, health, and wisdom. Goals can then be set to gain basic education, take care of health, and use wisdom in applying the education obtained.

Sadly, many young people look for a sense of achievement in video games, fun times, or various other ways. The things they try give only short-lived satisfaction and leave the child with a hollow feeling inside. That lonely, hollow feeling leads the child to continue searching for more and more thrills or activities to find meaning or purpose to their efforts. Quite often, the young person will simply give up, thinking all is hopeless or useless. The negative actions chosen then lead to failure in the eyes of self and others which in turn lead to more hopelessness and lack of purpose. The young person then begins spiraling downhill getting into deeper and deeper trouble.

What is the remedy for the hopeless child who has lack of purpose? Of course, it is to help that child find a purpose in life. This can be done by taking children to church and teaching the Bible at home. There is no substitute for parental prayer with a child. The prayers should include a request for God to reveal His plan for the child’s life. Also, the child needs to be helped in realizing his/her talents and abilities by the reinforcement of positive achievements. Parents and teachers need to point out, whenever possible, the reasons for learning certain things and for acting certain ways.

None of us likes to be expected to blindly follow rules without knowing the reasons for those rules. Children are best motivated when they can understand the purpose in doing what is expected of them, as well as the purpose of existence itself.

 

 

Every Child Needs Hope

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Train up a child…

 

Every Child Needs Hope

 

It is very sad to witness a child who has lost hope. A child with no hope is a child who has given up on life. Disastrous behavior such as suicide, violence, experimentation with forms of escapism, or other unwanted acts occur. To prevent these things, we need to understand the causes of the feeling of hopelessness in a child. Understanding the causes can help us prevent or remedy the results of hopelessness.

What makes a child give up hope? When more is expected of a child than that child can produce, a child gives up hope. When a child never seems to measure up to expectations of parents, teachers, or society, the child eventually gets to the point of thinking “What’s the use?” Promoting a child in school year after year, when the child is not mastering the skill level of each grade puts a child in an impossible situation where he/she is unable to accomplish the work assigned. This often causes a child to drop out of school and seek success elsewhere. When a child does not feel well physically, tasks often seem insurmountable. Rejection by others is another reason a child may lose hope. This is especially true with teenagers whose fragile egos are bruised very easily.

We can help prevent hopelessness by using caution in the methods of discipline we use. A child should never be disciplined in such a way as to strip that child of a sense of value. Verbal abuse is often more harmful to children than a hard spanking. Discipline should be geared to inspiring a child to do better rather than condemning a child for making a mistake. Yelling at a child or telling the child that he/she is bad, takes away the child’s value as a person. Good discipline distinguishes between the act of the child being bad and the child, itself, being bad. If a child is told he/she is bad, that child comes to believe it, and the child simply gives up hope of ever being good.

We can help a child have hope by making sure that success is experienced. Even if it is a small success, the child gains hope through the accomplishment. When we put a child in too difficult a situation, we are setting the child up for failure. Each child must grow at his/her own rate. We cannot force a child to do more than he/she is able to do.

When a child knows he/she is loved even when mistakes are made, rejection by others is not so difficult to endure. Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally by parents and by God.

Ultimately, the only hope for any of us is in God, Himself. Things of this world are all temporary. The Bible is our best instruction book for raising children. In I Corinthians, chapter 13, we are told that we need faith, hope, and love. We find all three of these in Christ. Parents, grandparents, and other family members should model the unconditional love of God. In doing so, the child is helped to have hope and can experience love.