by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book; Love is….) Books are available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, www.patlambchristianauthor.com
Who’s Right or What’s Right?
Train up a child…
Who’s Right? Or What’s Right?
It is very easy for parents and children to get into power struggles, and each try to prove that s/he is right. It is a challenge to parents to avoid these struggles and work with children as a partner to determine what is right. It requires putting one’s own ego aside, using diligence in the choice of words, and knowing the right thing toward which to work.
We often make the mistake as parents in thinking that because we won the immediate battle that we have won the war. This is far from the truth. Not only does winning a battle fail to guarantee future acceptable behavior in a child, but it often creates resentment and a feeling of “I’ll prove I’m right.” No one likes to have to “give in” and children are no exception. When required to do so, children often harbor resentment. On the other hand, if parent and child can reason together and come up with solutions, those solutions tend to stick, and the child has learned how to deal with the same problem in the future. It is too bad that many parents let their egos stand in the way and won’t listen to a child’s reasoning. If parents can be patient and humble themselves and admit that they may not have all the answers, children tend to respect them more and are inclined to discuss problems in a reasonable manner. Parents often think that respect is gained by demanding it. The truth is that respect is gained when the parent is patient and kind and willing to listen to a child.
If a parent is willing to admit that they are wrong, the child will respect them more. The child feels good about self for having convinced the parent, and the parent will wait until a future time to have the upper hand. No one likes to be told that s/he is wrong all the time. There are times when the child is right, and we adults are wrong. Parents may be afraid they will lose respect, but the truth is that more respect will be gained, and the child will feel freer to discuss things with parents if they feel the parents will listen to them.
When a child is small, parents have the right to demand proper behavior, and throughout the teen years there will be times when reasoning does not work. For the safety and well-being of the child, the parent may need to insist on having their own way. Whenever possible, however, reasoning with a child is a better way to teach. Demanding certain behavior works for only a short time. We need to subdue our thirst for control to the level that will allow us to reason with children to teach truths to last for a lifetime. It is not important to know who is right, but it is very, very important for a child to know what is right.