by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book; Love is…) Books are available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, www.patlambchristianauthor.com
Train up a child…
Why Some Kids “Act Out”
Little tries the patience of adults more than having a child misbehave by throwing a tantrum or acting in unacceptable ways. Often, the tendency is to treat the symptom of behavior rather than looking deeper to decide why the child is acting as he/she is and treating the reason for the behavior. There are many reasons a child misbehaves. One reason children do so is that they simply haven’t been taught acceptable behavior. Other children have found through experience that their actions get them what they want. Still other children become frustrated about their present circumstances and act out because they don’t know another way to deal with the situation.
It seems that some parents think that children will raise themselves. They neglect teaching their children proper behavior and simply leave them to their own way of thinking about things. These children are almost like little wild animals that have never been tamed. They make decisions according to base wants for the moment with little regard for consequences of behavior. If they feel like running, they run. If they feel like shouting, they shout. If they feel like tearing up something, they tear it up. Actions are determined by feelings at the moment. In such cases, teachers or others working with these children must teach them how to act along with the “whys” of correct behavior. Often, these children have been left so long that they will never catch up with where they should be in learning proper behavior. In many cases, the parents themselves don’t know how to act acceptably even if they should decide to teach their children.
Some children act out because they have experienced in the past that doing so will get them what they want. These are the children whose parents give in to temper tantrums just to get the child to be quiet. It is human nature to use tactics that work for our survival. Children learn that this is one tactic that works, so it is repeated. A common example of this child is the one who throws a tantrum in a store while shopping to get something desired. The parent, rather than tolerate the embarrassment, will get the item for the child. The next time the child wants something, that child will throw another temper tantrum. Parents need to stop giving in to the tantrums to change this child and instead respond only to positive behavior.
Sometimes children find themselves in situations that they can’t handle. This could be a child who normally acts very nice, but suddenly there may be an outburst. Children have not yet learned the “niceties” of talk to say no to something beyond their ability. In addition, as a child, they are taught to obey and not say no. Parents and teachers sometimes “pigeonhole” a child into a situation that is scary or beyond the child’s competence. In such cases, the child knows nothing better than to become frustrated and “lash out” at those around. Not all children are of the nature to sit still for long periods of time in school. Some children are designed to be active children and not the nice and quiet children we may want. God designs us uniquely and that design does not always fit into the expectations of a parent or teacher. In such cases, parents and teachers need to assure the child that he/she is not expected to do something that the child can’t do. A different assignment may need to be given at the level of ability.
There is no substitute for time spent with a child to learn what the child is thinking and feeling. This knowledge helps us understand the child’s behavior and with many prayers for wisdom, parents and teachers can then address that behavior in a loving way.