by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book; Love is….) Books are available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and www.patlambchristianauthor.com
Train up a child…
Parents’ Good Intentions are not Enough
It is wonderful when parents can truly enjoy their children and want to make them happy. It presents a challenge, however, to make children happy and at the same time prepare them for their future. It seems that the idea has permeated our society that we all should be happy and having fun all the time, and that the only good parent is the parent who entertains children and protects them from hardships.
Just as a “hot-house” tomato has a difficult time adjusting to the challenges in nature when it is set out in a garden, so do children who have been sheltered from all rules and hardships have a difficult time adjusting to the real world. Adults who work with children need to discover a balance between letting children be children and at the same time preparing them for a time when they are unprotected by adults. Children must have guidelines and rules to live by and be required to abide by those rules for their own good. They must be allowed to experience the consequences of the choices they make. With a few exceptions such as birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, etc. they must earn what they receive.
Children who have no guidelines are always insecure and uncertain as to what behavior is acceptable and what punishment they may receive for their behavior. They are at loose ends with the world and often express their frustration by exhibiting unacceptable behavior. By contrast, children who have rules and are required to abide by them, have a certainty in their minds that they are doing the right thing. The stress of making decisions without necessary information is removed, and they are happier children. Many well-intentioned parents think that letting their children do what they want to do is helping them. Not true. Children are not equipped to make many decisions by themselves and often make the wrong decisions and get in trouble for doing so. It is much better to make sure they know what is right and wrong before they make the wrong decisions. Important, also, is reinforcement of correct behavior. When a child is told, “You did the right thing”, the child feels a real sense of relief and is inclined to repeat that behavior.
It is hard for any parent or teacher to watch a child go through something unpleasant. However, when we jump in and rescue the child from the consequences of his/her behavior, we become enablers. When we enable a child to do wrong and get by with it, that child grows up thinking that whatever he/she desires is acceptable, and someone will bail him/her out of trouble. It is through the natural punishment of consequences that children learn many lessons that we may never be able to teach in another way.
When children are continually rewarded for doing what is normally required, they grow up thinking that they don’t have to act in acceptable ways unless rewarded for doing so. A teacher friend of mine often said, “Virtue is its own reward”. There are some things that we are supposed to do whether there is a reward or not. One school in IL, where our daughter taught, rewarded children for doing their homework by taking them to McDonalds on Fridays. This, in my opinion, is not a good way to use rewards. Homework is something that children should do without getting a material reward. One NEA magazine had an article some time back about paying children to go to school. Is it any wonder that we are living in an entitlement generation when this kind of thinking abounds?
Ideally, parents should decide in their own minds how they want their children to “turn out” as to character traits and keep this goal in mind in everyday contact with their children. We can’t just let our children always be happy-go-lucky without responsibilities and rules and expect them to someday display responsibilities without material rewards.