Tag Archives: parenting teens

Teaching Children to do their Share of Work

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by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book; Love is…) Books are available at Amazon on line, Barnes & Noble, www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Train up a child…

Teaching Children to do their Share of Work

         There is dignity in hard work.  There is an inner joy that can be obtained no other way than simply straining to do a job well and then knowing the satisfaction of having done just that.  The work ethic is missing in many places in our country.  We desperately need to teach our children not only the pleasure found in doing hard work, but the responsibility that each of us has to contribute to the betterment of the situations in which we find ourselves. How to accomplish this task is a real challenge, but it can be done.

         We must start when children are very young– even as early as toddler age– teaching the value of hard work. When a toddler picks up a toy and puts it away, that toddler needs to be praised.  As mommy and daddy help the young child pick up all toys and put them away, the parents can talk about how nice it is to have a clean room and how good it feels to see how pretty everything looks when toys are put away in the right places.  Even a young toddler notices how hard mommy and daddy work and at this age, they want to help.  Little children like to help hold the vacuum cleaner with parents and even try to sweep the floor.  Parents need to capitalize on this interest and let children help as much as possible.

         As children leave the toddler stage, chores need to be assigned and children need to be made to understand that they have a role to play in keeping the household running smoothly.  At all ages, children need to have responsibilities and be held to those responsibilities.  To yell at children and force them to do things beyond their ability will simply make them hate to work.  Keeping chores assigned commensurate with their ability and expressing satisfaction at jobs well done, will go a long way toward helping them experience pleasure in work.  

         Too much praise for normal expectations of a child is not good.  There are some things in life we need to do whether we receive praise or not.  Too much praise may cause a child to think that they don’t have to do something unless they receive a reward.  Also, in my opinion money should not be given to do regular chores.  Children have a responsibility to do their part without pay.  It is good to give an allowance simply to teach a child to plan and make purchases wisely for needs and wants, but not for doing things that they should do as their responsibility in the home.

         I know a personnel manager of a company who told me that he loved to recruit from College of the Ozarks because those kids had a work ethic that was better than students at other places where he recruited. In the past, this part of the country has been known for its work ethic.  If our children are to not only succeed, but perhaps even survive in the future, they are going to have to know how to work.  It is a good idea to talk to children before they go back to school this fall and tell them how important it is for them to work hard at their school work and learn all they can to prepare themselves for their future.

         Ideally, a child will learn to “pitch in” and help any time help is needed anywhere when s/he is able.  To let children go for years just having fun with no responsibilities, and then when they are grown expect them to suddenly change and be responsible, simply doesn’t make sense.  Children must be required to work and be responsible in order to learn responsibility.  It isn’t automatic!

That First Driver’s License

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book

Train up a child…

That First Driver’s License!

       The memory of our oldest son getting his first driver’s license is still vivid in my mind.  He came out of the license bureau waving his license with a big smile on his face.  “Scoot over, Mom!”  He said.  I reluctantly moved over from the driver’s spot.  He had aged one year.  I felt as though I had aged ten years! I tensely sat and watched as he started the car and backed up.  We finally got on the main street and headed home.  I am probably the only mother in the world who yelled “hurry up” to a son who was just learning to drive, but when he came to intersections with cars whizzing both ways, I had visions of being broad-sided on both sides if he didn’t hurry and meld with the flow of the traffic.  I suppose that his inching along was to impress me with his cautiousness, but it wasn’t working.

         Many parents have experienced similar situations.  When a teen gets that first driver’s license, the world changes!  Household rules need to be adjusted.  Teens need to thoroughly understand the responsibility they have upon receipt of the license and parents may need to learn to get by with less sleep!

         A “sit-down” session with a teen needs to occur before going for the license.  It would be good if there were a place to take a teen prior to receipt of the license to see a film such as is shown to folks who are required to go to classes after traffic violations.  They need to know about the teenage driving statistics that are available on the Internet.  They need to be reminded that the brain development of teenagers is such that they tend to take more risks and be less cautious.  A teen needs to understand that the car keys will immediately be confiscated when certain things happen such as the abuse of the privilege, not adhering to curfew, etc.  Most of all, the teen needs to understand that driving is not a right, but it is a privilege for those who are responsible enough to handle such an expensive machine. Each family needs to set rules before the license is obtained.  

         I seriously question the wisdom of a 16 yr. old having a driver’s license.  I believe the law should be changed and licenses be given to 16 yr. olds in hardship cases only.  In addition, I believe that teens under 18 should have to maintain good grades in school. Teens (or anyone else) who has attention deficit disorder should not be given a license to operate a vehicle.  Driving a car requires constant attention.  Why should a person who can’t pay attention be given a license to drive? 

There is no real need for most 16 yr. olds to drive. Let’s be honest.  Many parents want their children to have a license so the parents won’t be bothered with driving the children where they need to go. 

Many times a student will drop out of school upon receipt of a driver’s license.  By raising the age to qualify for a license and requiring acceptable grades in school, we undoubtedly would have less dropouts, students studying harder to learn, and best of all, less deaths of sixteen-year-olds.   

         Since the law currently allows a driver’s license with few qualifications, parents must be all the more vigilant to see that their children drive responsibly.  This involves making sure that the teens completely understand the responsibilities involved and that the privilege of driving can be revoked at any time.  Further, they need to understand the seriousness of making a mistake that could haunt them for life. 

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book

Train up a child…

Teens Expect Much from Parents

         “Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”  

         These are some of the confusing outcries of teens.  On the one hand, they want to be independent.  On the other hand, they want to be taken care of.  How is a parent to know what to do??

         Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen.  Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either.  Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world.  Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm.  Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

         Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through.  Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier.  Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep.  Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily.  Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things.  In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking.  The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle.  When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.  

         It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen.  In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support.  When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action.  Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it.  That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior.  It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise.  Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being.  If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.  

         Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”.  Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence.  This is a way of nurturing independence.  The teen builds on success.  On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow.  Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.  Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.  

         Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less.  Perhaps just the opposite is true.  Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required.  It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen.  Where do we get that wisdom?  The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

It’s Tough to be a Teen

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by Pat Lamb (Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book) www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Train up a child…

It’s Tough to be a Teen

         I once viewed a video from the Missouri School Board Association that started off with a statement that one out of every five students in Missouri high schools contemplates suicide at one time or another.  What a terrible statistic!  The gentleman speaking went on to encourage all school workers in Missouri to be on the lookout for troubled students.

         Why would teens want to commit suicide?  One of the reasons given by experts is lack of hope.  Another reason is the use of drugs.  A third reason, in my opinion, may be a lack of religious training to educate them with the fact that suicide is not an end, but a beginning of an after life.

         It is difficult for teenagers to cope in society.  Most adults expect teens to be a problem.  This causes teens to feel that it is normal for them to do things they shouldn’t be doing.  I believe, as do many other teachers with whom I’ve spoken, that around age 12 a child comes to a crossroad in life. At this point, the child makes a decision as to whether he/she will try to live a good life or just go for doing what feels good at the moment.  Peer pressure influences this decision greatly.  In addition to peer pressure, children at this age have generally come in contact with many different sets of values.  Each teacher in school has his/her own set of rules and values. Parents have a set of rules and values. If the child comes from a broken home, the rules and values of step-parents have also probably differed. The children have to deal with the values and rules of grandparents from both the real parents and the step parents. Is it any wonder that children become confused?  This is especially true considering the fact that most children have not attended church to learn the real values taught there.

         Hormonal changes at this point in life have a great effect on the child.  Studies show that the cerebellum, the back part of the brain, is actually larger in puberty in proportion to the cerebrum, the front part of the brain.  This causes the teen to act on impulse rather than thinking things through.  It isn’t until about age 20 that the two parts of the brain come to correct proportion.  Rapid growth accompanies the hormonal changes and causes a child to be awkward. One week, when a child reached for a glass of water, the arm was at one length. Soon after, the arm is longer and the brain hasn’t adjusted to the new length, and the child may turn the glass over and spill the water.  On top of all of this, horror of horrors, pimples start appearing on the face!

         While all of these things are happening, children can be very cruel to each other.  Bullying is terrible, but it does exist.  We can’t guard every word that comes from the mouth of someone, but, thankfully, efforts are being made in many schools to stop bullying.

         Is it any wonder that teens are looking for a way out of all of this?  It is too bad that they don’t understand that suicide is not the answer. We need to remind teens that all that is happening is temporary, and if they can hold on, things will get better. 

         The very best thing parents can do is to get their children in a good church that teaches the love of Christ.  If they understand this principle, they will always feel loved.  As they are taught that God has a plan for each life, they experience hope that is so desperately needed.  It is difficult to understand why more parents don’t get their children in church.  It costs no money.  Additional people are concerned for the child’s welfare.  Many activities are provided that are wholesome activities. I could go on and on about the positive values of church and can think of no negative things.  Let’s do what is best for our children and put our personal likes and dislikes aside.

Teaching Children to Be Resourceful

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www.patlambchristianauthor.com

Train up a child…

Teaching Children to be Resourceful

         When I graduated from high school and was preparing to leave home                                 to go to college, the youth director at the little church I attended in Verona, MO, bought a small notebook and filled it with wise sayings to guide me through life.  One of those sayings was, “An industrious man can do more with a rusty wrench than a lazy man with all the tools in the shop.”  This saying has stuck with me through the years as there have been many times when I did not have everything I would have liked to achieve goals.

         Life certainly can take some strange turns. We never know when the time may come that we cannot afford to buy what we want or need.  It is important for children to realize this fact.  Most people find themselves, at one time or another, in a situation where they are short of money.  

         Children need to be prepared to learn how to do without new things and use what they have in more ways. Everyone likes to have new things, but those new things are appreciated much more when they are not so easy to get. It is good for each of us to take inventory of our many blessings and use everything wisely.  We need to be good stewards of what we have whether we are poor or wealthy.  

         My dad used to say, “Your mom can fix anything with a bobby pin!”  (A “bobby pin” was the name for a hairpin.)  My dad sat each of my sisters and myself on his lap and taught us to tell time with his railroad watch before we ever started to school. Since this was during the time of the Great Depression, it was necessary for families to learn to get along with what they had. As children watched adults practice resourcefulness, they learned to think a little harder about saving money and using their own resources wisely.  Today, children are still learning by watching adults either squander what they have or use their resources wisely.

         Although we may not go back to darning socks to make them last longer, children can learn to use notebook paper wisely instead of making one small mark or two and throwing it away. They can learn not to grind their pencils away in a sharpener.  They can learn to take portions small enough to finish when they eat so that food is not wasted.  They can learn to put away their belongings to prevent loss.  They can learn to close bread wrappers so the bread doesn’t dry out. They can learn to stay out of mud puddles so their shoes last longer.  They can be taught to close doors right away to save on the utility bill. They can even learn that brand names on clothing are not always important.  

         Although there are many good educational toys to purchase for teaching children, there are many items in our homes that can be used effectively for teaching if we choose. Marshmallows, macaroni, popcorn, raisins, and other items in the kitchen pantry can be used for counting with children as we help them with math homework.  Games can be created between brothers and sisters to teach resourcefulness. Give them a task to perform and a limited amount of resources for the project. See who can be the most creative in coming up with ways to accomplish the task.  It is actually fun to be resourceful!

         Some people accomplish so very little because they spend all of their time complaining that they don’t have what they need.  Let’s help our children  become individuals who can get a job done with what they have!  There is a big difference between needs and wants. They will learn this difference as they become more and more resourceful. 

A Teen’s First Job

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Train up a child…

 

A Teen’s First Job

 

When age fourteen is reached, teens start thinking about working outside the home.  Some children start working out of the home at age ten or twelve doing lawn care or short-term similar jobs.  In my opinion, children should be kept in productive activities as early as possible depending on capabilities and safety.  At least by age fourteen children should start earning and budgeting money. Many places cannot hire someone until they are sixteen, so working at age fourteen and fifteen may require some creative thinking in figuring out ways to earn money.

A first job outside the home sets a pattern that may last a lifetime in the work habits a teen learns and that teen’s ability to take orders from supervisors. Teens also learn responsibility and the fact that many times they must work whether they feel like it or not.

Parents need to have a talk with their teens before that first job and make sure they understand the following:

  • A worker should arrive within a 15 minute time frame of the time they start work and should leave after time to get off work.
  • Workers must obey supervisors without question.
  • The worker is not the boss. The boss is the boss!
  • When instructions are not understood, ask for clarification instead of guessing and possibly doing something wrong.
  • Be loyal to the company or person for whom the work is being done.
  • Be pleasant. Do not complain.
  • Many people could have been chosen for the job and others can replace you.
  • Do not make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
  • When you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  If you are making a lot of mistakes, perhaps you should look for a job more suited to your abilities.
  • Make out a budget. Since there is no rent expense, a larger amount can be saved.  Ten percent should be given to charity.  Car expense should be included in a budget. Food expense should be figured closely as most teens tend to waste a lot of money on drinks and fast food.  Soft drinks have no nutritional value. Drinking water instead of soft drinks can save a lot of money.
  • If driving to work, proper care of the car is necessary.This includes oil changes as well as gas.
  • Sometimes workers lose jobs for reasons other than performance.Many businesses hire employees temporarily to avoid paying benefits.

 

Teens have a great amount of energy and vitality to offer to a job.  They can do much that older people can’t do and are a valuable resource if in the right position.  My husband and I have always told our children, “If you make money for your company, you will have a job.  If you lose money for your company, you will lose your job.”  Businesses exist for the purpose of making money.  They don’t exist for individuals.  That is the reality of life.  Unfortunately, often politics enter into whether a person has a job as well.  Sometimes friends get chosen for positions even if another deserves it.  Teens must learn that life is not fair, but they, themselves, need to be fair whether or not others are fair to them.  Much of this can be learned on a teen’s first job.

Closing the Generation Gap

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Train up a child…

 

Closing the Generation Gap

 

How often do we use the generation gap as an excuse to write off our inability to communicate with teens? Does the generation gap really exist? Do we really make the effort we should to close that gap in order to meet the needs of our teens?

There truly is a difference from one generation to another when it comes to the culture of our society. However, there is no change from generation to generation when it comes to emotional needs of individuals. There is no doubt that the world of today’s teen seems foreign to those of us who grew up without cell phones, texting, play stations, facebook, twitter, and the like; nevertheless, the emotional needs of people many generations ago were the same as the emotional needs of our teens today. Everyone wants to feel loved no matter the generation. Everyone wants to feel self-worth. Everyone wants to feel acceptance. Everyone wants friends and family for support. I believe everyone has an inner desire to worship and serve something.

The wise grandparent, parent, teacher, or any other person who works with a teen would do well to concentrate on the emotional needs of teens because it is there that we will always be able to identify. To concentrate on the differences instead of the likenesses is a waste of time that could be well spent in bonding with a young person. Who, of any age, does not appreciate an understanding person who can quickly recognize hurts and offer consolation? Who does not appreciate an encouraging word from another person whether old or young?

We don’t have to understand all of the technology being used by the younger generation. If we should decide to learn about some of the things so commonly used, we can ask a teen to teach us. By doing so, we have actually contributed to that teen’s self-worth. It feels good to be able to teach an older person something! On a visit to CA some time back, my granddaughter taught me to text while we were riding to her house from the airport. I even sent a text to her boyfriend and he sent one back! It was fun. She was definitely enjoying teaching Nana about her gadget. As we admit that we don’t know everything and submit to the younger generation to teach us, we are creating an environment where the younger people will listen to us more readily when we want to teach them something from our experience.

Each generation has its special set of “tools” with which to confront life. Upon close examination, we find that those tools are simply for the purpose of fulfilling the emotional needs that never change. Cultures and temptations may change, but the inner heartfelt needs of individuals do not.

To recognize and accept this fact is a big step in the right direction to closing that generation gap.

 

 

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Train up a child…

 

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

Myths about Teens

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Train up a child…

Myths about Teens

There seems to be a tendency in our society to lump all teens together as a group and assign certain characteristics to them. Many of these assigned characteristics have us shaking in our boots at the very thought of associating with teens, or, heaven forbid, working with them in a learning setting. This is unfortunate. Teens, just like everyone else, must be thought of as individuals. Many of the qualities of teens that we think are common may not be so common at all. Let’s look at a few of them.
Some would say that teens don’t like older people and that to be successful in working with them, one must be near their own age. This is definitely not true. In fact, many times teens look at older people as grandparents and they are carrying fond memories of grandparents. When I was teaching GED classes, one essay topic was to write about someone greatly respected. Over and over I received essays about grandparents and other older people. Believing this myth causes teen leaders to be chosen who are often too immature to really give them the help that is needed.
Quite often people can be heard saying that all teens are rude. This, too, is not true. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others. Some teens have been raised in families where there has been an absence of kindness, and, in this case, it often carries over in the actions of the teens. On the other hand, teens often have a keen sense of fairness, and, if in a kind environment, they want to have good manners. Many have simply never been taught good manners, but would practice good manners if they knew what to do.
A huge myth is that all teens like to have fun all the time. Many teens today are suffering hurt from broken homes and broken promises. Trying to force them to have fun goes against nature when they are hurting. It is true that they need physical exercise, but sometimes they just want to have a dependable shoulder to cry on and someone to whom they can express their hurt, fears, and concerns.
Many say that you just can’t talk to a teen. The truth is that most teens would love to have someone to talk to but feel that to do so would cause condemnation or more trouble. They have often been betrayed when they have shared secrets, so they may “clam up”. Teens can often work out their own problems if they have a good listener who knows how to interject a pertinent question now and then.
Teens need our help. They have a lot to deal with in a short period of time. We need to debunk old ideas about teens and strive to understand each as an individual in order to give the help they need.