Tag Archives: Teen suicide

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

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Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

A Teen’s First Job

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A Teen’s First Job

 

When age fourteen is reached, teens start thinking about working outside the home.  Some children start working out of the home at age ten or twelve doing lawn care or short-term similar jobs.  In my opinion, children should be kept in productive activities as early as possible depending on capabilities and safety.  At least by age fourteen children should start earning and budgeting money. Many places cannot hire someone until they are sixteen, so working at age fourteen and fifteen may require some creative thinking in figuring out ways to earn money.

A first job outside the home sets a pattern that may last a lifetime in the work habits a teen learns and that teen’s ability to take orders from supervisors. Teens also learn responsibility and the fact that many times they must work whether they feel like it or not.

Parents need to have a talk with their teens before that first job and make sure they understand the following:

  • A worker should arrive within a 15 minute time frame of the time they start work and should leave after time to get off work.
  • Workers must obey supervisors without question.
  • The worker is not the boss. The boss is the boss!
  • When instructions are not understood, ask for clarification instead of guessing and possibly doing something wrong.
  • Be loyal to the company or person for whom the work is being done.
  • Be pleasant. Do not complain.
  • Many people could have been chosen for the job and others can replace you.
  • Do not make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
  • When you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  If you are making a lot of mistakes, perhaps you should look for a job more suited to your abilities.
  • Make out a budget. Since there is no rent expense, a larger amount can be saved.  Ten percent should be given to charity.  Car expense should be included in a budget. Food expense should be figured closely as most teens tend to waste a lot of money on drinks and fast food.  Soft drinks have no nutritional value. Drinking water instead of soft drinks can save a lot of money.
  • If driving to work, proper care of the car is necessary.This includes oil changes as well as gas.
  • Sometimes workers lose jobs for reasons other than performance.Many businesses hire employees temporarily to avoid paying benefits.

 

Teens have a great amount of energy and vitality to offer to a job.  They can do much that older people can’t do and are a valuable resource if in the right position.  My husband and I have always told our children, “If you make money for your company, you will have a job.  If you lose money for your company, you will lose your job.”  Businesses exist for the purpose of making money.  They don’t exist for individuals.  That is the reality of life.  Unfortunately, often politics enter into whether a person has a job as well.  Sometimes friends get chosen for positions even if another deserves it.  Teens must learn that life is not fair, but they, themselves, need to be fair whether or not others are fair to them.  Much of this can be learned on a teen’s first job.

“Same”

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“Same”

 

Recently I was playing “Words with Friends” with our grandson.  I hadn’t gotten a move from him for a few days, so when I did get the word he played, I sent him a message and said, “Hi.  Good to hear from you.  Love you!”  I immediately got a message back from him that said, “Same”.

We have a custom in our family of saying “I love you” very often.  Our family is scattered to California, Colorado, Washington, and Missouri. Every phone call ends with “Love you!” I suppose our grandson decided to make it a little easier by saying “same”.  His doing so, started me thinking about how children are often the same as their parents.  Each year at Mother’s Day, many mothers often wait in anticipation to see how their children will choose to observe the day.  The truth is that it greatly depends on how their mothers observed the day in showing love and respect to their children’s grandmothers.  They will probably act the same, have the same attitudes, and pick up many of the same habits as their moms and dads.

When children see their dad disrespect their mom or vice versa, they will more than likely act the same way.  If dad goes fishing or playing golf on Mother’s Day as though it is not a special day, the children are apt to think of the day as nothing special and choose activities for self-pleasure.  If dad makes a big deal of Mother’s Day, the children will follow the example and do the same.  Studies have shown that we tend to raise our children the way we were raised irregardless of any training in child rearing we may have received.  In other words, we act the same as our parents act.

Children behave according to their attitudes.  Attitudes are caught more than taught. It is so difficult to teach children to be patriotic and respect law when they hear their parents “bad mouth” our elected officials and the rules we must follow.  It is difficult to teach children to be responsible and self-sufficient if parents are always trying to get something free. Can we really expect teens to drive safely if their parents continue to break the speed limit or are heard hoping that they can spot a patrolman before the patrolman spots them? If parents criticize teachers, can we expect the children to respect them?

As an older mom, I am continually surprised by the habits our children have that they learned at home. Our daughter, a single mom, always planned a nutritious evening meal for her two children. When we visit the homes of our children, they don’t start eating until we first give thanks. Each of our children reads his/her Bible.  Each believes in prayer.

In spite of the fact that we each are given the right to choose as we want, it is indisputable that many acts, attitudes, and habits are the same as those of parents.  With this in mind, it would be wise for each of us to continually examine our own behavior.

Nature Holds Lessons for Children

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Nature Holds Lessons for Children

 

We find excellent object lessons for children all around us in nature. When children learn to observe the lessons in nature, they not only develop a love for science that helps them in school, they also learn the answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions.

Children are born with a natural curiosity that we should continue to cultivate. We can use this curiosity to teach important life lessons that will stay with them as long as they live.

I well remember an occasion with my dad when I was a child. He and I were walking down a dusty path in the field to get the cows for milking. My dad suddenly stopped, stooped down, picked a blade of grass and began looking at it intently. I watched as he drew me close to him and said, “Look there, Patsy, at this blade of grass. Look at all the little lines in it. Look at the little hairs on it.” As he continued to marvel at one blade of grass, he looked skyward at an airplane flying overhead. “You know,” he said, “man can make airplanes. Why, someday he may even be able to fly to the moon. One thing man will never be able to do is to make a blade of grass. Only God can do that!”

Each fall my husband and I marvel as we spy monarch butterflies fluttering past on their way south. How do they know to fly south? Even more remarkable is how they change from a funny caterpillar crawling along to a beautiful butterfly. The female butterfly lays an egg on a milkweed leaf, the egg hatches and the caterpillar eats its own shell and begins feeding on the leaves of the plant. Then it forms a chrysalis, stays inside a short time, and comes out a beautiful butterfly. Does this example not give us a hint of how God can give us life after death?

Children are curious about where they came from, why everyone dies, and what happens after death. When they first find out that all of us must die at some time, they become frightened. The story of the butterfly helps children understand how God has provided life after death for us. Although we can’t fully understand everything about the afterlife, the stories in nature guarantee that we serve a God who is capable of keeping His promise. After all, if God can change a worm to a beautiful butterfly, He can take care of us as well.

Another good lesson from nature can be gotten from a limb of a tree. Early in the spring, we can break a small limb from a tree and show the child how it seems so very lifeless. To look at, it seems dead. In a short time, another limb can be shown to the child showing buds coming out and getting ready to open. This too, is a miracle of God. Just as plants appear to be dead, yet come to life again, so we, too, will someday die but come to life again.

A walk in the woods, or even the front yard, can be an avenue for teaching very important lessons to children from nature. These lessons cost only a little time and effort. They are opportunities we don’t want to miss.

Children Need Purpose

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Children Need Purpose

 

Many comments made by children show that they seem to have no purpose in their actions. Such comments as “What’s the use?” or “What difference does it make?” or “Who cares?” are indications that a child sees no real meaning in actions that may be expected of him or her.

The lack of real meaning leads to a lack of hope for a child. This in turn leads to such drastic actions that teenagers take with guns, suicide, or deliberate car accidents. Many of our young people seem to be drifting with no real purpose in their lives.

Many efforts are made by adults to entertain children thinking that if a child gets what it wants, that child will in turn produce according to the parents’ wishes. Without realizing it, parents who do this are actually bribing a child and holding the child hostage to perform as the parent wishes. This is not good. No amount of gifts, material things, or wishes granted can give a child purpose in life.

What really does work for a child is the realization that God created each of us with an individual plan for our life. When a child realizes that there is a unique plan for him/her, the child automatically feels a sense of value and curiosity to identify that plan. The child can then begin to understand that preparation to carry out that plan involves education, health, and wisdom. Goals can then be set to gain basic education, take care of health, and use wisdom in applying the education obtained.

Sadly, many young people look for a sense of achievement in video games, fun times, or various other ways. The things they try give only short-lived satisfaction and leave the child with a hollow feeling inside. That lonely, hollow feeling leads the child to continue searching for more and more thrills or activities to find meaning or purpose to their efforts. Quite often, the young person will simply give up, thinking all is hopeless or useless. The negative actions chosen then lead to failure in the eyes of self and others which in turn lead to more hopelessness and lack of purpose. The young person then begins spiraling downhill getting into deeper and deeper trouble.

What is the remedy for the hopeless child who has lack of purpose? Of course, it is to help that child find a purpose in life. This can be done by taking children to church and teaching the Bible at home. There is no substitute for parental prayer with a child. The prayers should include a request for God to reveal His plan for the child’s life. Also, the child needs to be helped in realizing his/her talents and abilities by the reinforcement of positive achievements. Parents and teachers need to point out, whenever possible, the reasons for learning certain things and for acting certain ways.

None of us likes to be expected to blindly follow rules without knowing the reasons for those rules. Children are best motivated when they can understand the purpose in doing what is expected of them, as well as the purpose of existence itself.

 

 

Teens Expect Much from Parents

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Teens Expect Much from Parents

 

“Leave me alone!” “You don’t trust me!” “I can do it without you!” “Just don’t bother me!” “Will you take me shopping?”

These are some of the confusing outcries of teens. On the one hand, they want to be independent. On the other hand, they want to be taken care of. How is a parent to know what to do??

Transitioning from total independence as a child to complete independence as an adult is not easy for a teen. Needless to say, this transition time is not easy for a teen parent either. Parents must know when to step in and when to step out of the teen’s world. Parents need to know how to be supportive of the teen and still keep the teen safe from harm. Most of all, parents need to know how to nurture the teen’s independence and respect that teen’s desire for independence.

Being a good teen parent begins with the understanding of what the teen is going through. Recognizing the physical, emotional, and social changes taking place makes patience and understanding easier. Rapid physical growth brings about a bigger appetite and sometimes a need for extra sleep. Emotional changes cause the teen to question the meaning of life and to become upset more easily. Social changes cause the teen to easily be embarrassed and confused as to proper behavior. The teen must figure out all of these things. In doing so, the teen needs the parent at times to interject facts or questions to guide thinking. The emotional side of the teen causes the teen to reject an adult’s advice when it becomes too much to handle. When this happens, the parent needs to step back and let the teen calm down.

It is important for a parent to be observant and quickly recognize positive decisions made by the teen. In doing so, the parent becomes supportive of the proper behavior, and the teen will gravitate toward the behavior that is gaining the positive support. When a teen does something right and gets no recognition, that teen is not as likely to repeat the positive action. Teens hunger for positive recognition and will do almost anything to gain it. That is why peer pressure plays such an important role in a teen’s behavior. It follows, then, that if the teen is getting plenty of positive reinforcement at home, school, or church, peer pressure will not have as great an influence as otherwise. Every time a parent is able to positively and honestly compliment the teen, it is like investing in insurance for the time the parent must reject a teen’s decision for that teen’s own safety and well-being. If the teen has received a lot of positive support, that teen is not as likely to be upset when a “no” comes from parents.

Teens need to be given opportunities for “instant success”. Small tasks where a teen easily succeeds build confidence. This is a way of nurturing independence. The teen builds on success. On the other hand, if a teen is put in a position where failure is almost inevitable, a lack of self-confidence is the result and frustration, and possibly even anger, is sure to follow. Simply said, we need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Of course, it isn’t always possible to do so, but the more we can reinforce the positive, the better the results will be.

Many parents seem to think that as the child becomes a teen, parents are needed less. Perhaps just the opposite is true. Parents must be flexible and change some of the ways of dealing with their child, but very close scrutiny is still required. It takes a great deal of wisdom to raise a teen. Where do we get that wisdom? The Bible tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Raising a teen is much easier with a great deal of prayer!

How to Talk to a Teen

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How to Talk to a Teen

 

Many parents complain about trying to communicate with their teen son or daughter. “They just clam up and won’t talk”, they often say. There are a few things to consider when trying to “get inside” a teen. Three of those many things are timing, location, and choice of words.

Too many times we want to talk to a teen when it is convenient for us rather than thinking about whether it is convenient to the teen. Teens have many adjustments to make in growing up resulting in many things on their minds and many differing moods. One minute they may be on top of the world and the next minute down in the dumps. It is helpful to determine the mood of the teen at the moment and choose a time when that person is more receptive to conversation. It is not wise to try to talk to a teen if that teen is watching a favorite show on TV, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, or otherwise occupied with something he/she considers very important. It is best to watch for an opportunity when the child is not focused on something else. It seems that to a teen, everything is big and important, even though it may not seem that way to us. To interrupt in the middle of something very important to the teen simply causes the teen to become frustrated and usually unable to concentrate fully on what we might want to discuss.

If a time can be arranged for just the two of you to be alone, that is best. Teens are very self-conscious. They are always worried about what those around them may think of them. The teen cannot be expected to reveal true feelings when friends are around. They will tend to be worried about what their friends may be thinking and will choose answers to impress the friends. It is best to have only the parent or parents present with the teen when serious matters are to be discussed. The teen will usually feel freer to talk with one parent rather than two, but the parent should be alert to any effort on the part of the child to pit one parent against another. Parents need to support each other.

I have found in my past experience that one of the very best places to talk with a teen is in a car. If the teen has a driver’s license, ask to be driven to a drive-in for a coke. For some reason, it seems that teens will open up and tell you almost anything while sitting behind the steering wheel with just the two of you present. I’m not sure why that works, but it seems to always work for me. Another possibility is to take the son or daughter to lunch or shopping where just the two of you are present. The teen feels special for getting the undivided attention and is more apt to talk with you when no one else is present.

Choice of words is so very important. There are key words that upset a teen. Words that deal with how a teen looks can be very cutting. “You” is a word that makes the discussion personal and often carries the connotation of blame. Most of the time, it is better to generalize when discussing behavior rather than personalize. Never butt in when the child is talking. Wait until the child pauses for you to say something. Don’t condemn. Lecturing the child or condemning the child will most certainly keep that child from talking to you in the future. Try to be understanding and ask questions that will cause the person to think and figure out for him/herself the best way to handle a situation. Telling is not teaching. We should always try to get the son or daughter to decide for self the proper way to act or react. Try not to be shocked no matter what you are told. Stay calm and let the teen get everything “off the chest”. Even if you know the child is wrong, remember that you will not convince him/her that it is wrong simply by saying that it is. They must know the reasoning behind the words. The value of asking questions cannot be overestimated. Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” will stimulate more conversation and thinking.

Teen years are difficult years. It is so much better to get values taught before the teen years arrive, but it is impossible to achieve this goal completely. Our love for our teens requires that we be patient, gentle, and understanding. Emphasis should be placed on the feelings of the teen rather than our own discomfort or feelings. Choosing the right time and location to talk to teens helps to allay discomfort for both. Words can hurt and therefore must be chosen carefully.

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

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Train up a child…

 

Teens Need Help Making Decisions

 

There is a great deal of research now occurring concerning the brain and how it works. Recent research indicates that the part of the brain that influences decision-making and problem-solving is not fully developed during the teen years. The frontal lobes which help control risk-taking and thrill-seeking are not fully developed until around age 20. This causes teenagers to feel invincible and not fully consider the consequences of their choices. If teens know about this research, they might possibly be more open to the acceptance of the advice of parents, teachers, and others who are older.

Below are six primary steps to decision-making for teens. If parents are aware of these steps, they can pass them along to their daughters and sons and better help them with decision-making.

The six steps recommended for decision-making by teens are:

  • List the choices.
  • Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
  • Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
  • Compare the consequences and their importance.
  • Decide and act.
  • Evaluate the consequences, both expected and unexpected.

 

Parents need to help teens see options when they list choices. It is difficult for teens to see more than one or two options. At this point, they may feel more influence from the opinions of friends. Parents may need to point out that the friends may not have thought of all of the options available.

If parents are patient, teens often welcome their advice. When parents become involved, it is evidence to the young person that the parent cares. There are times when the parent must make the final decision no matter how much conversation has occurred. However, the process of involving the teen has long-lasting benefits. Although the teen may not seem cooperative, the process itself becomes imbedded in the mind of that person to help in the next decision. This process should be repeated over and over to ensure that the teen understands the steps to decision-making. When young people are involved in the decision, they are more likely to follow it.

The teen years are a transitioning time between the total dependence on parents as a child and independence from parents as an adult. The safety of the teen is foremost, but as much as possible with this in mind, teens need to be allowed to make decisions with the understanding that the parent has the last word.

The Value of Looking Back

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The Value of Looking Back

 

There is much learning value in taking the time to look back and remember on the Memorial Day holiday. Actually, it is valuable for adults as well as children. Examples of the past help us in innumerable ways. Knowing the results of past actions help us in knowing how to set the course of our own lives. Meditating on sacrifices and hardships of those who have worked so hard to give us what we now have helps us appreciate our present circumstances more. Realizing the accomplishments of others gives us a greater respect for the use of the time we have available to us.

Memorial Day was once called “Decoration Day” because everyone went to decorate the graves of past relatives. It was a time to talk about both the good and bad things those relatives had done. The good mentioned helps children set goals for what they want to accomplish in their lives to live up to the family expectations. The bad things mentioned help children know what they need to avoid as they make hard choices in behavior. This is an opportune time for parents to instill the knowledge that drugs, tobacco and alcohol are really bad choices. We need not be hesitant to point out that someone might still be alive today had they not chosen to use drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. We have great visual aids right in front of us in a cemetery.

By contrast, show the graves of the military who gave their lives for a cause. Talk about some of the freedoms we enjoy and some of the reasons that wars have been fought. As children see these graves and hear discussion about causes of death, they cannot help but do some serious thinking about what they want to accomplish with their lives. As they internalize what they are hearing and seeing, they are setting goals for themselves.

How can we help but feel gratitude and thankfulness for what we have as we learn about the sacrifices that have been made for us? As mom and dad talk about how ancestors did the laundry, planted gardens, and worked so hard in so many other ways, the children may want to take better care of the modern-day appliances they have. A greater respect will be gained for elderly people when children realize what those strong and tough individuals endured. Children might even want to stand up and let an elderly person have their seat the next time they have that opportunity!

No person can help but think about his/her length of time on earth before going to meet the Creator as they visit a cemetery. We become more conscious of the time we have to make any accomplishment for the good. It is the tendency of young people to think “someday” as they plan their lives. Seeing the graves of those who died young helps one to understand that “someday” may never come.

Many might say, “It is all well and good to say that children will learn a lot by going to a cemetery on Memorial Day, but how do you get them to go? What if they don’t want to go and would rather stay home or do something else?” You are the parents. You make them go. Set the family tradition so that there is no question about it. It only takes part of one day to make the trip to the graves. Then, plan another activity that will be fun for the other time. If you live too great a distance from the graves of relatives, take the children to visit the grave of a family friend , or go to a military cemetery.

We wonder why so many young people seem to have a lack of respect for the elderly and make improper choices about the use of harmful substances. A tradition of annual visits to the cemetery is such a simple thing that can be done to prevent so many problems in children and teens. Why should we wait until a problem occurs when we can head it off before it begins? This family tradition can instill in children and adults the desire to use time wisely and set appropriate goals of behavior.