Tag Archives: working with teens

Closing the Generation Gap

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by Pat Lamb (www.patlambchristianauthor.com) Author of: Let the Children Come; Children, Come to Me; When the Stars Fall Down; Widening the Church Doors to Teach the Narrow Way; My Thinking Book

Train up a child…

Closing the Generation Gap

         How often do we use the generation gap as an excuse to write off our inability to communicate with teens?  Does the generation gap really exist?  Do we really make the effort we should to close that gap in order to meet the needs of our teens?

         There truly is a difference from one generation to another when it comes to the culture of our society.  However, there is no change from generation to generation when it comes to emotional needs of individuals. There is no doubt that the world of today’s teen seems foreign to those of us who grew up without cell phones, texting, play stations, facebook, twitter, and the like; nevertheless, the emotional needs of people many generations ago were the same as the emotional needs of our teens today.  Everyone wants to feel loved no matter the generation.  Everyone wants to feel self-worth.  Everyone wants to feel acceptance.  Everyone wants friends and family for support.  I believe everyone has an inner desire to worship and serve something.  

         The wise grandparent, parent, teacher, or any other person who works with a teen would do well to concentrate on the emotional needs of teens because it is there that we will always be able to identify.  To concentrate on the differences instead of the likenesses is a waste of time that could be well spent in bonding with a young person.  Who, of any age, does not appreciate an understanding person who can quickly recognize hurts and offer consolation?  Who does not appreciate an encouraging word from another person whether old or young? 

         We don’t have to understand all of the technology being used by the younger generation.  If we should decide to learn about some of the things so commonly used, we can ask a teen to teach us.  By doing so, we have actually contributed to that teen’s self-worth.  It feels good to be able to teach an older person something!  On a visit to CA some time back, my granddaughter taught me to text while we were riding to her house from the airport.  I even sent a text to her boyfriend and he sent one back!  It was fun.  She was definitely enjoying teaching Nana about her gadget.  As we admit that we don’t know everything and submit to the younger generation to teach us, we are creating an environment where the younger people will listen to us more readily when we want to teach them something from our experience.

         Each generation has its special set of “tools” with which to confront life.  Upon close examination, we find that those tools are simply for the purpose of fulfilling the emotional needs that never change.  Cultures and temptations may change, but the inner heartfelt needs of individuals do not.

To recognize and accept this fact is a big step in the right direction to closing that generation gap.

Patience: A Characteristic of Love

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Train up a child…

Patience:  A Characteristic of Love

         If asked, “Do you love your children?” most parents without hesitation would reply, “Yes, I love my children!”  Most parents probably do think that they love their children.  However, when we examine the true definition of love, we might find ourselves falling short in this area.  

         If we examine definitions of love, we find that the 13thchapter of I Corinthians in the Bible lists the qualities present when there is love.  One of those qualities listed is patience.

         Do we have patience with our children?  In the hurry and scurry of everyday living, we can easily expect too much too soon from those around us.  It is not easy to wait for children to develop skills and make decisions at their own pace.  We sometimes forget that we cannot force a flower to bloom.  With plants, we water, nourish, and prune but the growth comes from within the plant.  So it is with children.  We nourish, and prune (discipline) and provide experiences and advice, but we cannot force the child to grow.  That growth comes from within the child.

         Unfortunately, some parents have a fixed image in mind of what they want the child to be when he/she grows up.  We have all heard of the football player who wants a son to be a football star, etc. In such a situation, the parent may be very impatient and take out his own disappointment on the child.  We need to realize that certain traits are inherent in children at birth.  Again, using gardening as an example, we cannot change a carrot to a radish; we can only try to develop a better carrot or radish.  With children, we need to cultivate those good tendencies or skills that came with them at birth.  We waste time and cause much frustration when we try to force children to be something other than what they are capable of.  We need to be patient as we help them develop into what their Creator designed them for.  

         It is important in the matter of discipline to be able to discern the difference between a mistake and intentional belligerence.  We would be naïve to think that children are born with only good intentions. Intentional belligerence requires immediate discipline.  Mistakes of a child, on the other hand, require our patience and teaching. Probably every child needs admonition at one time or another.  When our children are intentionally naughty, even though we must discipline them, we need to be patient in understanding that they are no different from other kids in that respect.  We should never make a child feel that there is no hope for improvement. I’ve known some parents who seem to really just grind their children down until the child feels there is no hope. Our patience with them gives hope. Without hope, children may either give up or become rebellious.  

         We can’t expect children to be as accomplished as we are.  We have several years of learning ahead of them.  When they seem awkward and break things, it may be because they are growing longer arms and legs and haven’t learned to adjust to the extra size yet.  When they don’t make the right decisions, it may be because they haven’t acquired all the facts and understanding they need to make those decisions.

         Patience is more than a virtue.  Patience is an indication of real love.

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         I

The Language of Love

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Train up a child…

 

The Language of Touch

 

Recently, our three-year-old grandson came climbing up on the couch to sit by me to play with my ipad. I reached down and helped his little squirming body up beside me.  As he snuggled in close, I bent over and kissed the top of his head.  I was surprised when his little hand came up to the front of my shoulder and gave me four soft, gentle, little love pats.  We both felt loved by the other!

It is often the touch of bodies that speak louder than any words.  Touch can tell a child of the love and encouragement from others, but it can also tell of feelings such as anger, impatience, or frustration.

When parents or teachers get angry, it is a real temptation to vent those feelings on children who cannot retaliate.  Adults have been seen to jerk a child out of a car or pick up a child and plop the little one down with too much force.  It is often anger that is behind many spankings, shakings, or slaps. The anger leads to frustration and impatience on the part of the adult that often leads to abuse of a child.

When a child is upset, a soft hand by an adult on the shoulder of the child can soothe and calm the hurt feelings.  When a child is feeling defeated, a little hug can be reassuring.  When a child scrapes a knee or gets hurt in another way, holding a child close says to the child that everything will be alright. Everyone loves to have a pat on the back for accomplishments. Children need hugs often from parents.  A good strong hug each morning before the child leaves for school helps the child be calm during the day.  All of these touches are illustrations of encouragement.

It is uncanny how children can read adults!  Someone has said that you can’t fool children and dogs.  I don’t know about the dogs, but I do know that we often don’t give enough credit to the way children can understand us. The way we touch children speaks volumes. We can tell them through touch that we love them easier than we can convince them with words.  When we spank too often or pull or jerk children around, we are telling them that they are a real bother to us and we wish they weren’t present. This is a terrible feeling for children to carry around.  When they do wrong and we give a hug anyway, we are telling the child that we love them in spite of their mistake.

Loving, bodily touch is so very important.  I remember an incident with our daughter when she was in first grade.  It was my habit to hug each child every morning before they went to school.  On one occasion, our daughter was upset with me and wouldn’t accept my hug.  The next morning she again refused the hug and walked slowly down the driveway.  At the end of the driveway, she turned around, came back and gave me a big hug. “Mom,” she said, “yesterday we didn’t hug and things didn’t go right all day!”

Yes, touch has a language all its own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

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Train up a child…

 

Restitution is an Important Part of Discipline

 

It seems that there is always an ideal way of doing things, and then there’s the realistic way.  Ideally, all discipline would include restitution for the wrong that has been done. Realistically, however, often there is not enough time, or even enough energy left for the parent to use, to require the guilty child to make restitution. When it can be done, there are many benefits for the child who is being corrected.

When a child is required to make restitution, that child has more time to think of the wrong done. The child who has done wrong also learns about the value of the thing that has been broken or destroyed.  When intangible values are involved, the guilty child also learns more about feelings of others and develops compassion.

Many parents think they have done their disciplinary duty with a quick verbal rebuke. Telling is not teaching.  If we want a child to learn, that child must realize the wrong in what has been done and decide that he/she does not want to do it again.  When a quick verbal, “That’s not nice; you shouldn’t have done that,” is given, the child does not really know why it wasn’t nice and will probably repeat the action.  If a child is told why it wasn’t nice and required to do something to make up for what was done, it stays in the mind longer and the learning is reinforced.  Discussion of the feelings of the person being offended is good to help the child further realize the reason for the wrong of the action.

If a child breaks something because of carelessness, that child will probably be more careful in the future if his/her allowance is used to replace the object broken.  Even if the child must simply glue something back together, or repair it another way, that is better than a simple scolding. If a child borrows something and loses it, the child should have to replace it. This may mean that the child must earn money. By doing so, the child learns the monetary value of the object lost.

When a child says something unkind to or about another child, the offending child should be required to say something good about that same person.  At one time, while teaching, I required students to write three good things about a person of whom they had spoken unkindly.  They learn by doing this that there is good in all people and they should make it a practice of looking for good in others..  In such cases, it is always a good idea to go back to the golden rule and ask the child, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”  Children should be taught to treat others as they want to be treated.

There is almost always some way that a child can try to make restitution for wrongdoing and we, as parents and teachers, need to look for those ways and require children to try to make up for what they have done.  This is far more effective that most spankings and verbal lectures.  The children will remember longer why something shouldn’t be done.  They will think more before they act and probably be far more considerate of feelings of others.

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

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Train up a child…

 

Design Discipline to the Situation

 

It seems that many people think that spanking is a cure for every problem observed in a child.  On the other hand, there are those who think that children should never be spanked.  In my opinion, there are times when a spanking may be required; however, there are many other methods of discipline that should also be considered.

My observations lead me to believe that many parents who are quick to spank do so for some invalid reasons. Some will say, “That’s the way I was raised and it worked with me!”  Others may spank simply because they feel they must do something and don’t know (or try to find out) anything else to do.  Some may spank because it is quick and easy and they can convince themselves they have been a good parent because they corrected their child.

Children may not be like their parents and may not require the same discipline.  They certainly live in a different environment with different temptations.  In many cases, spanking a child simply does not work.  As soon as the spanking is over, the child may forget and repeat the action.  Unless a child decides in his/her own mind about right or wrong, that child will probably repeat the action.  Discipline should lead to self-discipline.  Telling is not teaching.  We need to convince children of right and wrong by helping them understand the reasoning behind the rule.

If we don’t spank, what can we do?  Teachers have been creative in discipline since spanking has been prohibited in most schools.  One principal said that he carried his cell phone with him in a classroom and when he saw a child do something especially nice, he said, “You really did a good job! What is your dad’s cell phone number? I would like to call him and tell him what a good job you did!”  He makes the calls on the spot so the class can hear what he says.  He tells the dad what the child did.  The child feels great, the dad feels great, and the whole class is thinking, “Maybe if I do a good job, someone will call my parents!”  The whole class works harder and not only do they realize how easy it is to get a compliment, but in the back of their minds they realize how easy it would be for the teacher or principal to call the parents if they misbehave!

Something that would have a much more lasting effect than a spanking of an older student would be to require a parent to attend class with a son or daughter for a time if the student is unruly.  The embarrassment would hurt far more than any spanking. Parents would probably have to come only a few times!  Other students are sure to watch their steps so it doesn’t happen to them.  Parents would really scold the child so they didn’t have to lose a day’s work again!

If we care enough for children, we will try to understand their behavior and tailor our discipline to their needs to change their thinking.  We need to use any leverage we have such as taking away cell phones, car keys, restricting from activities, etc.  We certainly should not think that one method of discipline fits every circumstance.

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

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Train up a child…

 

Knowing Why Makes Obeying Easier

 

When a child understands why a rule is important, it is much easier for that child to obey the rule. Too often adults are inclined to simply “bark” orders to a child with no explanation whatsoever.  This leaves a child feeling somewhat like a puppet and unimportant.  In addition, the child may simply obey the command for the moment, but have no reason to continue to obey.

Taking just a few seconds to explain reasons to a child has much benefit.  When a teacher or parent explains reasons, the child feels drawn into the decision-making process and feels a part of accomplishing something important.  The child then begins to think in an analytical manner and apply the principals involved to other actions.  The child also begins to consider the feelings of others and the environmental effects.

It would seem that we adults have a tendency to think that children cannot understand a great deal, so we just skip over explanations.  Actually, children are capable of understanding and reasoning much more than we often give them credit for doing.  They are not a different species!  They may not have the experiences to grasp all that we tell them, but they can understand much and the explanations we give start them on the path to adulthood and decision making that involves others as well as self.

If a child understands that a behavior is affecting another person negatively, that same child is more apt to evaluate his/her own action in another situation as to whether it is affecting others in a good or bad way.  This is especially true when adults include in explanations such statements as, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Children tend to act on impulse. Explanations help children learn to think before they act.  This is part of growing up.

When adults take the time to explain reasons, a feeling of teamwork is often established.  Children feel as though the adult considers them important when that adult takes the time to explain reasons.  This takes away some of the rebellious attitude often encountered in forcing a child to obey.  They begin to feel part of a bigger cause than just self. The children take on a feeling of responsibility for accomplishing that cause and are more apt to continue the proper action when away from the adult.

It is good to remember that telling is not teaching.  Unless a child takes something to heart and applies it to everyday actions, that child has not really learned that thing.  Our goal is to develop adults who act properly out of desire to do so, not simply because they have been told they should.  Without explanations, what has been told simply does not stay with the child.  We want adults that consider the feelings of those around them and act in such ways as to get along in society.  We will not accomplish this goal unless children learn reasons for good behavior.

Promises! Promises!

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Train up a child…

 

Promises! Promises!

 

It is so very easy to make a promise to a child.  Sometimes when we do so, we are secretly hoping the child will forget what we said and not hold us to it.  Other times, we really have good intentions to follow through, but other things seem to distract us, and we never follow through hoping the child will forget.  The reality is that children don’t forget the promises we make and when we make those promises and don’t follow through, we lose our credibility in their minds.

King Solomon tells us in the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 5 and verses 4 and 5, that we should fulfill what we vow and that it is better not to make a vow than to vow and not fulfill it. From this scripture, we know that we should be very careful to make even a small promise and not follow through with it.

It is far too easy to put a child off by saying, “Just a minute”.  One mother told me that her son came to her once and said, “Mom, how long is a minute?”  She had forgotten to get back to him.  It is better to say something like, “I’m doing _______ now, and when I get finished, I will try to help you.”  The phrase, “I will try” is much better than a promise because it leaves the door open for the reality that the action may not be possible.  In this way, we are being honest with the child.

When an adult makes a promise to a child and does not follow through, that adult is saying by actions that the thing that prevented the keeping of the promise was more important than the child.  The child then concludes in his/her mind that the adult does not care as much for the child as for whatever interfered with the keeping of the promise. Parents may think, “Doesn’t the child realize I have to work and make a living for the family?” The truth is that the child does not realize that unless it has been explained.  That is why parents and other teachers and leaders should take the time to explain the “whys” of actions to children.

Even well-meaning church leaders often make mistakes by saying things like, “I’ll pray for you,” and then not follow through and do so.  Unfortunately, those in leadership positions sometimes think that because of their position, everyone should understand if they don’t follow through with a promise.  This should not be so.  A parent, church leader, or teacher does not have the right to break promises simply because of status.  In God’s eyes, they are no more important than that little child who is looking up to them to be an example.

Heaven help the adult who breaks promises to others for self pleasure!  That person will be held accountable no matter how important a position they may be holding.  We need to be very, very careful about making promises.  Once that promise is made, every effort should be made to keep it and not disappoint those to whom it is made.  We must never forget that children are a gift from God.  They are like fragile little flowers.  Their spirits are easily bruised and, unfortunately, sometimes broken.

A Teen’s First Job

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Train up a child…

 

A Teen’s First Job

 

When age fourteen is reached, teens start thinking about working outside the home.  Some children start working out of the home at age ten or twelve doing lawn care or short-term similar jobs.  In my opinion, children should be kept in productive activities as early as possible depending on capabilities and safety.  At least by age fourteen children should start earning and budgeting money. Many places cannot hire someone until they are sixteen, so working at age fourteen and fifteen may require some creative thinking in figuring out ways to earn money.

A first job outside the home sets a pattern that may last a lifetime in the work habits a teen learns and that teen’s ability to take orders from supervisors. Teens also learn responsibility and the fact that many times they must work whether they feel like it or not.

Parents need to have a talk with their teens before that first job and make sure they understand the following:

  • A worker should arrive within a 15 minute time frame of the time they start work and should leave after time to get off work.
  • Workers must obey supervisors without question.
  • The worker is not the boss. The boss is the boss!
  • When instructions are not understood, ask for clarification instead of guessing and possibly doing something wrong.
  • Be loyal to the company or person for whom the work is being done.
  • Be pleasant. Do not complain.
  • Many people could have been chosen for the job and others can replace you.
  • Do not make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
  • When you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t dwell on it.  Everyone makes mistakes.  If you are making a lot of mistakes, perhaps you should look for a job more suited to your abilities.
  • Make out a budget. Since there is no rent expense, a larger amount can be saved.  Ten percent should be given to charity.  Car expense should be included in a budget. Food expense should be figured closely as most teens tend to waste a lot of money on drinks and fast food.  Soft drinks have no nutritional value. Drinking water instead of soft drinks can save a lot of money.
  • If driving to work, proper care of the car is necessary.This includes oil changes as well as gas.
  • Sometimes workers lose jobs for reasons other than performance.Many businesses hire employees temporarily to avoid paying benefits.

 

Teens have a great amount of energy and vitality to offer to a job.  They can do much that older people can’t do and are a valuable resource if in the right position.  My husband and I have always told our children, “If you make money for your company, you will have a job.  If you lose money for your company, you will lose your job.”  Businesses exist for the purpose of making money.  They don’t exist for individuals.  That is the reality of life.  Unfortunately, often politics enter into whether a person has a job as well.  Sometimes friends get chosen for positions even if another deserves it.  Teens must learn that life is not fair, but they, themselves, need to be fair whether or not others are fair to them.  Much of this can be learned on a teen’s first job.

Myths about Teens

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Train up a child…

Myths about Teens

There seems to be a tendency in our society to lump all teens together as a group and assign certain characteristics to them. Many of these assigned characteristics have us shaking in our boots at the very thought of associating with teens, or, heaven forbid, working with them in a learning setting. This is unfortunate. Teens, just like everyone else, must be thought of as individuals. Many of the qualities of teens that we think are common may not be so common at all. Let’s look at a few of them.
Some would say that teens don’t like older people and that to be successful in working with them, one must be near their own age. This is definitely not true. In fact, many times teens look at older people as grandparents and they are carrying fond memories of grandparents. When I was teaching GED classes, one essay topic was to write about someone greatly respected. Over and over I received essays about grandparents and other older people. Believing this myth causes teen leaders to be chosen who are often too immature to really give them the help that is needed.
Quite often people can be heard saying that all teens are rude. This, too, is not true. The basis of all good manners is kindness and consideration of others. Some teens have been raised in families where there has been an absence of kindness, and, in this case, it often carries over in the actions of the teens. On the other hand, teens often have a keen sense of fairness, and, if in a kind environment, they want to have good manners. Many have simply never been taught good manners, but would practice good manners if they knew what to do.
A huge myth is that all teens like to have fun all the time. Many teens today are suffering hurt from broken homes and broken promises. Trying to force them to have fun goes against nature when they are hurting. It is true that they need physical exercise, but sometimes they just want to have a dependable shoulder to cry on and someone to whom they can express their hurt, fears, and concerns.
Many say that you just can’t talk to a teen. The truth is that most teens would love to have someone to talk to but feel that to do so would cause condemnation or more trouble. They have often been betrayed when they have shared secrets, so they may “clam up”. Teens can often work out their own problems if they have a good listener who knows how to interject a pertinent question now and then.
Teens need our help. They have a lot to deal with in a short period of time. We need to debunk old ideas about teens and strive to understand each as an individual in order to give the help they need.